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Sunday, 14 December 2014

Healing.

For me, blogging is a great escapism. An online world full beauty secrets and female camaraderie. Although my writing was all over the place during my first term of university, being home and going through an emotionally stressful period has renewed my love for this online community. I've been reminded of why I started 'LydiaLulu' in the first place. Writing is such a creative outlet, especially when times are tough.
This is my first break-up. I'm in that unsteady in-between phase of hating him and still loving him at the same time. At the moment, it's taking every ounce of self-control not to call him. Pride is holding me back - I'm the victim here, I shouldn't be the one to initiate contact. But then I wonder how he is... what's he's doing and if he misses me at all. It's emotional Russian Roulette.
Under normal circumstances, I'm usually pretty good at taking care of myself. After a stressful day at work I'd have a hot bath, put on a movie, and curl up in bed - it would instantly make me feel better. I'd also have him to rant to, he'd take time to listen and always reassure me that things would get better. Not having that person to always fall back on has been quite an adjustment these past few weeks.
Scientifically speaking, being in love is like being addicted to heroine. Your brain has to readjust to life without that person. You're coming down from a relationship high. In the meantime, I feel pretty stuck. I can feel myself going through the motions - angry, sad, resentful, emotionally drained, and full of regrets. I'm just holding out hope that soon I'll find acceptance and be able to move on.

The interesting thing, however, is the advice I've been getting from the important people in my life. Everyone is quick to write him off as an idiot and he's unknowingly been called every name under the sun. Sometimes it's helpful, I want to think of him as a jerk... but I suspect that underneath his macho-university-lad front, the person I fell in love with still exists. I guess the question that's been taunting me the past few days is whether a person can change so completely and in such a short space of time?
My flatmate said that she dealt best with her break-up by sleeping around. Another advised me to eat my weight in ice-cream. I've been told to take time for myself, go out and party, or pursue a rebound. And so far, nothing has left me feeling any better. I know there is no quick fix to a broken heart... but I can't help wishing for this emotional roller-coaster was over.
For now I'm just trying to blog as much as I can, keep on top of my never-ending pile of work, and spend as much time with the positive, wonderful people in my life. 
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