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Tuesday, 2 December 2014

Heartbroken... yet Hopeful.

Hey, remember me? The girl who spent five months writing nearly every day and declaring her love for blogging only to disappear from the face of the earth when she went to university? Yeah that's me - and I really have no excuse. I've really just enjoyed being a Fresher and studying some amazing texts and going out and socialising. But then something happened last week that made me realise that blogging is now part of who I am.
Jonny and I broke up and it's safe to say that I'm completely devastated. Equally, it had been a long time coming. I went to university last year and was therefore pretty prepared for what this new chapter in my life would have in store. Jonny didn't - he took a gap year and moved out of London. He was away from his friends and in a completely new environment. At times, it felt like I was all he had. I felt so needed and loved. We were both at a cross-roads in our lives; I was unhappy at a university for six months and then made the decision to leave and work in retail while he was studying for his exams and was uncertain of the future. Despite all the curveballs life kept throwing at us, we were so happy and secure in our love.

Nothing could have prepared me for the past few months. Having survived one tough year of being on opposite ends of the country, there was no doubt in my mind that we would get through university together. Especially as I'm at Southampton while he's in Portsmouth - a mere forty minutes on the train in comparison to the eight hour journeys we were embarking on this time last year. At first, it was perfect and we made the most of being so close. He came down on my first weekend and was even my date to my Freshers Ball. Looking back on it, that night was a real turning point in our relationship. That was the last time he felt like my Jonny. That was the last time he really spent any time in Southampton with me.
After the Ball, the dynamics changed. For reasons I'll never understand the boy I fell so madly in love with changed beyond recognition. He didn't understand me anymore and was more concerned with his new friends. I took the blame - I had told him to throw himself into university life... but I didn't realise that meant throwing away our relationship. Everything about him was different; his demeanour, his voice, even his appearance to a certain extent. He no longer bothered putting in any effort - for him, his life is in Portsmouth and that's all that matters. It was a struggle. I tried everything to fix what we had - I wanted to fight for us. I was going down to Portsmouth weekly, one time I even went twice. The more he pulled away from me and came increasingly absorbed in his university bubble, the more I clung to him for dear life. When the situation really upset me, I would ask for space and go out and try to forget about him. It was only then that he would talk to me like he used to - he would say he loved me and I actually believed it. In those final desperate weeks, I did everything I could think of to salvage what we once had. I invited him to visit my grandparents, I read a relationship book, I wrote him a letter telling him how I thought we could fix it, and I spent even more time in Portsmouth. From my perspective, he did nothing except expect it to get better on it's own.
The relationship ended last Monday night over the phone. I had gone home that weekend because I needed some motherly advice and some time to think. I hated my flatmates seeing me upset. I had decided to wait till Christmas and see if the situation improved, I believed that he would see sense. He had told me that he would come on Tuesday night and that we'd spend all of Wednesday together trying to figure out our relationship and go see the latest 'Hunger Games' instalment. I had faith that we would work it out - but when he called to say that he wanted to come Wednesday morning and leave later that day, I knew it was over. I couldn't keep killing myself trying to make a relationship work when he didn't care enough to spend any real time with me. He started a new chapter in his life and there simply wasn't room for me in it.
The boy I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore. He's been replaced by a stranger. A guy whose life revolves around his lads and is unconcerned with the girl who gave him everything she could. He's not the person I spent those wonderful 18 months with. The new Jonny came to collect his stuff on Sunday and the way he acted was appalling. He put on this laughable macho front, brought his friend with him, tried to leave after ten minutes, and confirmed my fears that he had gotten with another girl a mere two days after we had broken up. The way he acted was disrespectful to the wonderful time we did have together - I wanted to tell him he was being an idiot but didn't want to descend into name-calling. I just hope one day he figures it out for himself.
I decided to write this as a way of putting it all behind me. Seeing him on Sunday forced me to acknowledge what he's become but it didn't help the pain of losing what we once had. The past week has been incredibly painful - I even scrolled through old soppy Whatsapp messages yesterday. As hard as it is, I need to stop dwelling on what we once had. It's not my fault we lost that - it's his. For now, I have no choice but to look ahead to the future and hope for bigger and better things.

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