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Friday, 28 August 2015

WRITING || How Private is the Bloggosphere?

I've been sat here for the best part of half an hour trying to start this post but I'm not sure how. I don't want to name names or use specifics so to avoid unnecessary complications that come with writing about your life on the internet. But therein lies the issue - when you write a blog, you allow your life to become a point of discussion. And even though I don't tend to write too many personal posts these days - because who wants to read that? - sometimes I write about issues that are playing on my mind because this is my creative space and I feel like they are also topics that concern my readers. Like the time I wrote about my Long-Distance Friendship, or my 'Bikini Body' post, or even I'm Not Ready For My Other Half musings. They have been some of my favourite posts to write and have got some of the best responses from you guys and I love writing them because I realise that there are other people out there facing the same issues as me - and there's something quite comforting in that, right?

I'll get to the point now. I found out the other day that someone who I used to be very close to had looked out a very personal, almost therapeutic, post I wrote back when I was going through a pretty painful break-up and had a right old laugh at it with their friends. First off, I was angry - I wanted to message them there and then and call them out on it. Then I felt rather violated - I had shown them my blog in confidence back when we were still inseparable and now they had almost turned it into a weapon to use against me. And finally, I just felt downright embarrassed because I had been the one to write that post and publish it on the internet - surely I had no right to be angry at a person for reading it because I had put it out there for anybody to see.
But that's the thing, it's not just anybody who reads this blog - I mean, it can be ha - but my typical readers are other bloggers, other young women like myself who are interested in fashion and beauty and have also experienced what it's like to have your heart broken and were therefore able to emphasise with that post. I remember writing 'Heartbroken... yet Hopeful' like it was yesterday - it had been the Humanities Christmas Ball the night before which was basically an excuse to get all dressed up my uni friends and it's still one of my favourite memories of First Year. But something was weighing me down all night - I couldn't escape the heartbreak and just felt like I needed to write something in order to release those feelings. So I sat in bed on a Tuesday morning and just wrote until I felt I had gotten it all out of my system - if anything, that post was what I had so desperately wanted to say to him at the time but just didn't have the confidence to. I spent a couple of hours on it, hit publish, and moved on. Well, I wish I could say it was that easy - it wasn't like magic - but that post certainly helped a lot. 
I've said it before but after that, I made the conscious decision not to write about my personal life on the blog anymore - it's like I knew it was going to eventually come back and haunt me! Instead, I focus on Beauty and Style these days and throw the occasional Lifestyle post into the mix when I feel like it. In fact, this incident isn't the first time I've looked back at that post and wondered whether I should take it down. When I made the active decision to take LydiaLulu in a new direction, I considered removing it. And then when my blog had its Pipdig makeover, I took down a lot of posts that I didn't feel where relevant anymore. But somehow, this one post has survived thus far.
Reading over it now, I do feel sad - all these memories come flooding back and I feel really sorry for the girl sat behind her laptop on a wintery Tuesday morning just trying to make herself feel better somehow. I'm sure anyone who has been through a break-up will understand that - and no, I didn't hold back and wrote from my point of view as to why that relationship ended. I know that none of this matters anymore - it's ancient history! - but the fact that this post was brought up in an almost public way to people I actually know was totally humiliating. Although it did lead me to wonder why they were looking through such old posts in the first place. My friend told me to see it as a compliment, but to me it felt nothing short of invasive.
The reason I never took it down is because I see it as quite an important post - at least, to me it is. It marks a real turning point in my life - I was hopelessly dependent on a boy who broke my heart, I had only just started university and was yet to meet some of my best friends, and I look back on it and see it as the beginning of my adult life. You only need to read I'm Not Ready For My Other Half to see how far I've come in the past nine months.
Back in December 2014, 'Heartbroken...Yet Hopeful' was very much a post I wrote for my own wellbeing. When I first found out that this person had shown all their mates and laughed at it, I wanted to take it down and curl up into bed, an embarrassed mess. But my wonderful friend, Immy, told me that would be like letting them win and that she'd actually read that post and there was nothing to be ashamed of. So I'm keeping it live indefinitely - for that person to read at their leisure and in the hope that anyone going through a similar experience will stumble upon it and be able to relate or realise that they're not alone in how they're feeling. Because isn't that what blogging is? That, and also getting serious fashion inspiration and beauty tips ha.
A blog isn't a private space - it could never be, we're sharing our thoughts on the internet with people from all over the world. And that's the thing, I never wrote that post to name and shame that person to my readers - I wrote it because it was something I was going through at the time. No, the bloggosphere isn't a private forum - but as long as your heart is in the right place then it's worth sharing.


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